Dear Goatload

DEAR GOATLOAD: I live next to a liquor store off of a main road. You may think this is cool and convenient, but it pisses me off. I have all sorts of hooligans parking in front of my driveway and blasting their music while their jackass friends go into the store to pickup their 30 pack of Natty light. Short of ringing someone’s neck or standing on my front porch with a shotgun, what are my options here?

Please help Mr. Goatload, I don’t want to have to kill anybody. -- STOP PARKING IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY!

DEAR STOP PARKING IN FRONT OF MY DRIVEWAY!: My initial reaction, as I read your question, was to have these people killed. But since you’re looking for a non-lethal way to deal with this, I had to rethink my answer for you.

First, I think you should try talking to these people. Next time they show up, try saying, “Good evening kind sirs. Might I ask that you do not block my driveway whilst playing your music at such high decibal levels? I would ever so appreciate that.” If after that they come over to you and beat you to a pulp whilst calling you a retarded dingleberry, try the following instead...

When they come around, start shaking your right fist in the air vigorously while brandishing a rake with your left hand as you yell, “Damn you crazy whipper-snappers! Get off my driveway or I’ll get you good like!” If after this effort they come over to you and beat you to a pulp while calling you an old fart, go ahead and let them know what kind of “fart” you really are, by releasing a couple. This may lessen the impact of their blows as they begin to fall back due to asphyxiation.

If at this point, you still haven’t rid yourself of your problem, it means you’re probably close to being a permanent cripple. Most likely you’ve lost your hearing and/or vision from the beatings. If this is the case, problem solved. You won’t even notice they’re there anymore! If you’re not deaf, dumb, and blind from the beatings, try throwing up a Paulie Walnuts scarecrow in the front yard with a recording that says “Hey! Does this look like a fucking parking lot?!” followed by the sound of a shotgun loading, all of which is triggered by lasers that will sense vehicles pulling up to your driveway.

If all else fails, grab your own case of Natty Light and your favorite Brittany Spears album, and join them!

DEAR GOATLOAD: I have a co-worker who emails me, but never sends them electronically. He’ll type me an email in Outlook, print it, and walk the print out over to me halfway across the building. To his credit, he never has to ask me “did you get my email?”, but there must be some way to educate him as to the more efficient uses of Outlook. Hmmm. Please advise. --CO WORKERS ALSO FRUSTRATE ME

DEAR CO WORKERS ALSO FRUSTRATE ME: Next time this tool walks over to you and hands you an “e-mail”, tear it up in front of his face and throw it in the garbage. Then tell him that the “server” must be down. At this point, tell him to try sending you an “electronic mail”, and that you think that server is up. Also, when repeating these lines to said idiot, remember to use over-exaggerated air-quotes when speaking the words I’ve put in quotes here. That should help get the point across.

If that fails, drive a staple into his forehead everytime he brings you a printed “e-mail”. You can even be a nice guy and just put a sign outside your office that says “If you bring me a printed e-mail, instead of e-mailing it to me, I will drive a staple into your forehead. Be forewarned”.

DEAR GOATLOAD: There’s this woman at work who isn’t very smart. She was trying to print something on letterhead and it wasn’t working. I went to see what was wrong, and she was trying to load the paper into the fax machine.

What do I do with people like this? --CO WORKERS FRUSTRATE ME

DEAR CO WORKERS FRUSTRATE ME: I think you should walk over to her with a floppy disk and jam it in her mouth. Then, grab her hand and violently move it around the desk as if it were a mouse while quizzically looking into her face, pretending that it’s a monitor. Proceed to ask her why you can’t seem to get the data you’re looking for off the disk. Then, in a fit of frustration, hit her face like you would a monitor when angered by your computer and yell “STUPID COMPUTER!”.

If that doesn’t drive the point across to her, give her a wedgie and walk away.

Dear Goatload: Should I believe that the police officers standing outside of my house will really meet all of my demands or do you think they’re just trying to get me in their line of sight to shoot me? What should I do? -- Trapped in Tulsa

Dear Trapped, it sounds like you’re in a little bit of a pickle. I don’t think they want to shoot you, but it does sound like they want to arrest you and put you in jail. If you want to live through this situation, as well as remain a free person, I suggest you start off by staying out of view for the time being. First thing’s first, you’re gonna have to go take a dump. The biggest dump you’ve ever taken. Don’t flush it though! We’ll need that poop later. Now go into the kitchen, grab your blender, and put the following ingredients into it: ground beef, any fish you have, all the eggs you have, and throw in a bottle of tabasco and two whole garlic cloves. Blend thoroughly. Pour into a mixing bowl. Go get your poop, and add it to the mixing bowl. Add 2 tablespoons of salt and 1 teaspoon of oregano. Use a hand mixer to mix it well. Once you’re done, apply the newly mixed “goop” all over your body. Make sure you cover every inch of your body.

You’re now ready to go take on the police. They can’t shoot you, unless you’re a direct threat to them, physically. All you have to do is walk out there, covered in that toxic “goop”, and keep on going. No one will want to touch you! You just keep walkin’ until they stop following you. And you’re free! FREE!! Good luck!

Dear Goatload: Recently my boyfriend broke up with me. In order to win him back I’ve been hiding in the bushes while he’s at home. I follow him all over the place and constantly call him and then hang up when he answers. And yet, he hasn’t called asking me to come back yet.

I’m thinking about sending him something in the mail to try and win him back. Either a dead animal or a body part. Do you think that will help win him back? -- Lost in love

Dear Lost: I have some ideas for you. Go to a pet store, buy yourself 3 mice. Spend as long as it takes to collect 8 lbs of mouse poo. As you collect the poo, remember to keep it moist by adding a little bit of water to it, and kneading that water through with your hands. You don’t want the poo to dry up on you.

While collecting the poo, enroll yourself in a clay sculpting class. When you’re done with the classes, and you have your 8lbs of mouse poo, sculpt a 5 foot tall “bust” of your boyfriend out of said poo. When you’re done, you should have about half a pound of poo left. With this poo, sculpt out little single stemmed roses. Finally, find a 6 foot tall flag pole. Get yourself a piece of white fabric measuring 1 ft x 2 ft. In large lettering, write on it, I love you so much I made you out of poo!, and of course sign it with your name, so he knows it was you. Attach the fabric to the flag pole.

Go to your boyfriend’s house with all of this. Put the bust on the front lawn, and lay the poo roses around the bust... almost like a wreath circling the bottom. Stick your flag right next to the sculpture.

This gesture is sure to show your boyfriend just how much you truly love him, and he’ll come running back to you! Good luck Lost!

Dear Goatload: Yesterday my car started making a horrible noise. So I popped the hood and pulled on a bunch of wires and hit the engine with a pipe. Now it won’t start. What should I do? -- Stranded in Detroit.

Dear Stranded, you’re a complete tool for pulling on a bunch of wires and hitting the engine with a pipe as a means to fix your problem. I mean, would you bash yourself in the head and yank out your intestines if you had, say, a cough? If not, I suggest you do next time you have a cough. That should fix it.

As for your car problem, drive the car off a cliff (preferably with yourself in it, but if not, jump out before the car goes over), rob a bank, and use that money to buy a new car.